The U.S. populace emphasized their deep aversion to things that are not
anything like things they already know.
WASHINGTON—The American people announced Wednesday they remain fully
committed to things they recognize, stating that things they have seen or
experienced previously are good and that they want more of them.
“I like things I’ve seen before,” said 31-year-old Cleveland native Dave
Metzen, one of millions of citizens across the nation who reported that the
television shows, music, pastimes, foods, technological products, beliefs,
and values with which they are familiar at present are their favorite ones.
“I especially like the things I’ve seen a lot of times before.”
“Those are the best ones,” Metzen added.
“When a new thing isn’t like any old things, I don’t like it at all.”
According to a recent study, when exposed to a particular thing and asked
their opinion of it, 100 percent of Americans who recognized the thing said
they liked it. At the same time, 100 percent of Americans who did not
recognize the thing reportedly said they did not like it and found it
confusing. However, researchers noted that most of those who were exposed to
the novel thing a second or third time changed their mind and said they liked
In a follow-up study, citizens were exposed to a variety of
things—celebrities, snacks, movie franchises, corporate logos, cultural
attitudes, and more—only one of which they were familiar with. The study
found that 100 percent of those surveyed immediately smiled, pointed at the
only thing in the group they recognized, and said, “That one.”
“I don’t like new things unless the new thing is a lot like an old thing,”
said Phoenix resident Jennifer Alvarez, 54, explaining that she likes it when
someone takes a thing she already enjoys and makes a newer version of it that
is almost identical to the original thing. “When a new thing isn’t like any
old things, I don’t like it at all.”
“If a few old things are put together to make a new thing, that’s good,
though,” Alvarez added. “I like things like that.”
At press time, Americans appeared pleased when told that everyone would
continue to make and do things they were already familiar with for the
Courtesy The Onion